SW 34: {12.21.18} ‘Tis the Season

Bah Humbug

I have been busting my ass and my AMEX this last month to try and make Christmas perfect for my children.  However, here I am 4 days before D day and in full fledge panic mode.

Organizing who gets what, all the holiday shows, lists of what you should give and to who, and when to gift wrap- it’s all just too much.  I called my best friend today on the phone and we just screamed in unison. 

It’s hard enough to figure out exactly what to get them. Then you try to find all the best prices and get the toy before the “holiday rush” and you end up having to spend 3x on Amazon just to snag one.  Plus there is always that added bonus that your kid changes their mind and wants something new before Santa even arrives. 

Now I have an 8,6 and 5 year old.  I order the gifts early enough for the right price, but where am I hiding them?  Where does one hide the toys for three children without said children finding them.  Then you have to wrap them, but they can’t see the wrapping paper.  Because how could you be wrapping the gifts- doesn’t Santa do that? 

“Yes darling I just bought the paper to help.”

No one is buying this. 

You see where I am going with this.  This is exhausting.  I now look back at the day my dad told me there was no Santa in the name of “always telling the truth” and more to free himself and my  mother from the prison that is Santa. I get it, dad.  I think I’ve been subconsciously leaving hints the last two weeks.  I know what you’re thinking:

You may not be totally wrong about that.  But before you write me off as a mean old Grinch- really think about it.  We put our blood, sweat, and tears into making this holiday so special for our little monkeys.  Then you’re standing there waiting for a hug, and it never comes.  They don’t think YOU are awesome they think this magical man, this Santa guy is awesome.   What gives?! 

I know. I know.  The innocence.  The magic.  It’s incredible to watch them open the gifts and be so mystified by how it all happened.  Listen, I’m talking a big game but I’m on my 8th Christmas doing what I can to keep the magic alive.  

Which also does bring me to the big question, when is the jig up?  I thought for sure by 8 Blake would have had this all figured out.  That girl can crack the code on my phone, overhear private conversations between Bobby and I that I didn’t even realize she was around for, and can do multiplication.  Does she actually want me to believe that she still thinks some magical old man from the North Pole is delivering all these gifts to her and kids around the world.  This kid is playing me.  I know it.

Not to mention that our son is now in the phase that all our kids go through, in that he now believes he is Jewish.  He is really in the throws of confusion as he has asked for a yarmulke from Santa to wear to Shabbat. Never a dull moment.

Wish you and your families a very happy holiday season.  I linked some pretty funny holiday videos below, and will catch you in 2019.


In The Spirit of Christmas

The creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, actually got the chance to bring South Park to Comedy Central because of a Christmas short they made one year and sent to a few friends.  People thought it was so hilarious, that Comedy Central gave a green light for the show.

Wish you could see that clip? Well I got it! The clip is a little under 4 minutes- consider it my gift to you.

Click HERE or on the image to watch the first ever South Park Christmas Special and you can click HERE for the second because I love a good Santa vs Jesus fight.

More Hilarious Christmas Clips 

James Corden Won Christmas.  I promise you that you MUST watch this.  Guaranteed happiness. Click HERE or image.

Matt Damon hosted SNL over the weekend and they perfectly captured what Christmas is like for most of us. Click HERE or on the image it’s a MUST

Deck the Halls. Jimmy Fallon and Lin Manuel Miranda turn Cardi B and Migos songs into Christmas Carols.

It’s a Wonderful Life. SNL does what they do as they spoof a classic Christmas movie with “It’s a Wonderful Trump.” Click HERE or on the image.

Happy Xmas.  Miley Cyrus, Sean Ono Lennon, and Mark Ronson teamed up to sing Happy Xmas (War is Over), and it’s beautiful.

Jimmy Fallon, Horation Sanz, Chris Katan, Tracey Morgan all come together to recreate their SNL skit “I Wish it Was Christmas Today” and are joined by our Ari. Click HERE or the image

A Few Christmas Gifts from Me to You

Christmas Morning Breakfast.  My favorite part of Christmas is definitely my kids’ joy.  But my real is answer is definitely the food.  For anyone looking for some recipe inspo, I found some good ones HERE.

BLOCK ROBO CALLS. My Gift to You.  I’m nothing if not generous.  I am so sick of getting all these weird spammy phone calls on my cell.  I know that there is no privacy anymore but what happened to decency?!
Anyway there may be a way for you to block these calls.  Click HERE for an article which tells you step by step how to block all unwanted or unknown calls.

Lin Manuel Miranda, Emily Blunt and James Corden do 22 Musicals in 12 Minutes.  You’re Welcome. Click HERE

a person or thing that spoils or dampens the pleasure of others.
“visit Fairchild Tropical Botanic Garden.”
December 10, 2019 1:51 P.M.

11 Years

Memory is a funny thing.  I can barely tell you what I did over the weekend, but I can tell you what I ate for breakfast the day I married my husband, Bobby.  Smoked Salmon and a bagel, but only half the bagel because God forbid I have too many carbs the morning of my wedding (so young and so naive- you’re 23, eat the carb girl!)  

I was so calm that morning, the entire day really.  I remember my mom and sister asking me if everything was ok- and it was probably one of the first times in my life I would say yes and truly, confidently mean it.  Saying yes to marrying Bobby at 23 was the easiest decision of my life and I could not wait to do it. We had sort of known of each other our whole lives (our families were friends), but only really met 5 years before that.  Once we kissed- I was a goner.

Our wedding was perfectly us.  We kept it simple and beautiful with as little pomp and circumstance as possible.  It had most of our families, all our friends, and two cases of tequila that were gone within the first two hours.  We passed around bottles of champagne while “Pasame La Botella” blasted and we danced until 2 AM. It was one of those nights that I still can’t believe we had- let get to say was our wedding.  

Up to this point we had been living a fairy tale.  So when people would say how hard marriage was, and we saw all these divorces- I thought to myself that could never be us.  I didn’t get it. I couldn’t begin comprehend how that could happen to a couple. Our marriage could never be one of those falling apart or out of love situations.  I would think about our 10 year anniversary and plan where we might go to celebrate, because I knew we would make it there.  Not only would we make it there but we would be spilling over in happiness.  But then life happened.

I graduated law school.  We moved. We had a baby. My husband was in the midst of starting up a new company, and money would fluctuate.  We had student loans. We had bills. We fought. We gained weight. We had a second baby. My husband’s company was doing well.  We moved. We had a third baby making it 3- 3 and under. My husband’s business had to tighten up. We had bills. In-laws. We moved.  I got sick and was in hospital for 2 weeks. My husband sold a company. We had bills. We moved. Arguments with families.  We went to many weddings. We had death. So much death, so close together. We had graduations. We lost weight. I got high blood pressure.  We had soccer games. I got a therapist. We made new friends. We hung out with old friends. We traveled. We fought. We went to therapy. We fought more.

Life.  It fucks with you. It takes no mercy.  There we were on the cusp of 10 years, and we had been through so much.  This man that I so clearly knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that morning 10 years prior eating my bagel and lox- was the same man that I know could hardly be in the same room with without fighting.  

What the fairy tales don’t tell you- is staying happy is work.  If you don’t work, resentment creeps in. We had some amazing times in those 10 years, but when you’re racing through life trying to get from one place to the next or survive one bump in the road before the next one hits.  It’s so easy to just let the resentment linger there. Rather than really work through it, we ignored it. You’re exhausted. Watching the movie or the latest TV show is easier and way more enjoyable than having yet another talk about feelings, and the he said she said of it all. So resentment grows.

We weren’t talking to each other, and when we were talking we definitely weren’t listening.  Was it too late for us? We brought our relationship up to the edge and we were either going to jump into the Divorce abys or we were going to turn around and try to work through it.  

I wasn’t calm this time.  This time I was an anxiety ridden mess, and I was definitely eating the whole bagel because at 34 I know that you need to YOLO, and also I eat my feelings.  This time I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had the lives of three beautiful kids, kids we made together on the line. I had no idea what was going to happen, because I knew that I was being taken for granted and under appreciated, and this was definitely ALL his fault.  Right?

Long story short, no.  I was not right. I was equally at fault, and equally as ungrateful.  Without accepting my part in this- it could never work. We decided to fight for it.  We started dating again. We started being honest with what we need from the relationship.  We started compromising. We started taking care of ourselves. We started seeing each other again.  We love each other. We are best friends. And soon the calm came over me again, because I knew that we had learned that we needed to work for it.  Being together was the only option for us right here, right now, and hopefully for always.

We are more grown up at this point in our lives.  Life isn’t a fairytale. If anything it’s more like one of those Wayan’s Brothers’ scary movies.  You’re more likely to have to run from some huge scary man trying to kill you in a hilarious way than you are going to find a prince marry him and live happily ever after.  

I can see now how marriage doesn’t work out.  You can’t take it for granted. It’s work. It’s effort. It’s sacrifice. Sometimes people aren’t ready.  Sometimes people are too hurt. Sometimes life just hits too hard. I count us as one of the lucky ones. We were able to find our way back to each other in a time where it is sometimes just easier to quit.

I look at our 11 year anniversary now as the the anniversary I am most proud of.  It is the year we took ourselves to the brink and learned how to fight for it. I fell in love all over again.  We renewed our commitment to each other this year. Maybe not with words, but with action. We grew as individuals and we came back to grow together.   I look back at the 23 year old who so confidently and quietly knew what she wanted and smile. She nailed it.

SW 33: I’ll Be There For You

SW 33: I’ll Be There For You

But It Will Cost You 

Some of you follow me on Instagram (ahem- all of you should follow me on IG), and if you do follow you may have caught some of my family’s trip to Disney.  Oh man just saying the word sets me off.  Disney…

All the moments of intense frustration are all rushing back to me…  Give me a minute.

want to be one of those people that loves Disney.  Right? I mean those people are seriously happy.  I don’t think I have ever met someone who loves Disney and isn’t a pure unequivocal optimist. Sigh. You see realists like me, ok fine, pessimists like me- we don’t do well in Disney.

For the love of God it’s so much happiness.  Everywhere you look is another perfectly manufactured way to bring joy to all those who pass by.  It’s so much smiling.  My face hurt at the end of the day from all the forced, and to my surprise, some genuine smiling.  Because yes- it’s absolutely impossible to bring your children to Disney World, see them light up with so much happiness that they are actually farting glitter, and not smile.

However- those moments to take in the smiles and the happiness are just that, moments.  You only get those moments after suffering at the merciless hands of the rest of your Disney experience. Cover your eyes, optimists. I’m about to get REAL.

They give you the opportunity to select 3 fast passes.  You can reserve them up to a month prior to your visit, and if you didn’t set an alarm for that you probably aren’t getting the most popular rides.  Where does that leave the rest of us, Disney? I’ll tell you where- in a line.

Just an 80 minute line for the Snow White Mine Train Rollercoaster.  “Mommy- please can we please ride the Snow White Rollercoaster?”  I want that smile, so I very begrudgingly say yes.  80 minutes, how bad can that be?  So. So. Bad.  Mostly because it turned into a 150 minute wait, but who is counting, Disney? Me.  I’m counting.

I’m not just counting the minutes, I’m counting the number of grown adults also standing in this 150 minute line to ride a Snow White Rollercoaster made for children 36″ and up.  I at least get that minute of joy from my children at the end of this- why are you here? There’s not even liquor in this park- let alone this line.  Save yourselves!

Even my daughter at one point had had enough.  We went to go to the bathroom and there was a line out the door and she looks at me, looks back at the whole line, and very angrily shouted “What?! Perfect there’s a line for the bathroom, this place is ridiculous.”  I was so proud at her for the perfectly delivered complaint laced with a tiny bit of sarcasm, but she should probably get used to lines at the bathroom (note to self prepare her for this).

Also- these rides are not made for families of 5.  What is up with that? One of us is always left out, and by one of us I obviously only mean my husband.

There we are, 150 minutes later at the front of this line, my new Everest, and it only seats two per row.  Our girls want to ride it together, our son wants to ride with me, and poor daddy all alone- left out.  Shame.

A 150 minute line of hell- for these couple minutes of pure joy

well for most of us

Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish friends!

We have so much going on this week… let’s get to it.


A Very Expensive Hanukkah Miracle   

Rumors were swirling on Monday that Friends would be leaving Netflix on January 1, 2019.  As you can imagine- Twitter was rampant with outrage and heartbreak.  I also like to imagine a lot of these were happening

Well the panic didn’t last long.  By the end of the day Netflix had assured us:

But can you guess how much Netflix paid to keep the show for one more year?  Guess… you will never guess.  $100 Million

That’s right.  Netflix paid $100 Million to keep the show and make all of their customers happy.  Tell me the last time any friend of yours made that kind of gesture to keep you smiling.   Also how happy is the cast to get that royalty check?

While I am also relieved they will be there for me through 2019 on Netflix, I don’t understand the freak out.   We could just watch Friends on literally every single channel on basic cable, because the show is ALWAYS on.  #justsaying #100millionlater

Standouts of the Week 

George H.W. Bush passed away on Friday, November 30.  Whether you agree with his politics or not I think we can agree he loyally served our country to the best of his ability.  This picture of his dog has gone viral, and another thing we can agree on is that dogs are awesome.  Click HERE for details on his funeral.

Are you like me? Do you just do whatever Oprah says?   Well there’s a whole new list of things you need to buy then. Oprah’s List of Her Favorite Things is Out! In case you wanted to get some good ideas for gifts this holiday season.  ClickHERE

What happens when 20 hyenas attack a lone lion? I suddenly totally respect the Lion Guard.  I digress- this video has gone viral watch what happens. Click HERE

The Bachelor is clearly going to be real sensitive about this whole virginity thing. Colton Underwood is out with his new promo for the Bachelor- and shout out to all the women who are lining up to be the one who shows a grown man how to have sex.  Show premiers January 7.

Lindsay Lohan or Disney Princess?  Lindsay on the cover of Paper and giving us her perspective on life (interesting), that really bizarre video she live streamed accusing refugees of child trafficking, and her new business.  But most importantly she will be starting in her own unscripted reality show called Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club airing on MTV on January 8, 2019.  I had quit most reality shows, however I may have to make an exception.  Catch the full article HERE or click the image.

Warning: Super Blood Moon and Total Eclipse to coincide coming January 2019- and sure to bring out all the crazy life has to offer.  Will warn you as it gets closer.  You can count on me.  Unless the moon messes with me- then I promise you nothing.  Full article HERE.

TV Addict Update  

As we have established, time and time again, I watch too much TV.

What’s on my list to watch next? Give me something!
Have a suggestion? Let me know

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel: (Amazon Prime) Season 2 is here! Now streaming on Amazon Prime and so far it’s everything you love about the show.  It’s smart, hilarious and the costume and settings are out of this world.  Let me know what you think! Catch a preview HERE, and if you have never seen this show- ARE YOU LIVING UNDER A ROCK?

Dumplin: (Netflix) I haven’t been this excited to see something for a while (and this says a lot).  Starring one of our favorite friends, Jennifer Aniston, it’s the story of a mother daughter and Dolly Parton, and well just watch the preview.  Airs tomorrow, December 7 on Netflix!  HERE is a review for those who don’t fully trust me yet. Click the image for the trailer.

a hater of human kind
a cynic
Jimmy and Margot play loaded questions, and we find out that Kate Hudson friend zoned Jimmy pretty hard back in the day.
Flashback to Jimmy Kimmel’s Friends reunion, because seems fitting this week