by Cristina |
Last Updated: May 14, 2018 I think back on my 12 year old self, and smile. I was so awkward (this hasn’t changed much), had really skinny arms, and my face had not grown into my two front teeth. All this being true, I lived in an alternate universe where I was most definitely going to marry Luke Perry.
The deal was always simple in my house, I would go to the grocery store with my mom and “help” and she would buy me the latest edition of Teen Beat, Bop, or any other magazine that had a cute boy on the cover. I would rip out the pages and shuffle them around on my bulletin board, or if I’m being super honest the super secret collage I made in my closet behind my clothes.
The bulletin board had some quotes and pictures of things that weren’t just boys. I had to play it cool. I couldn’t be all Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, I needed to seem like I had layers. The closet, well, the closet was just for me. A judgment free zone.
In hindsight, my parents should have held an intervention or at least been concerned about my interests. There’s no way my mom didn’t know about my super secret closet collage. I guess they knew that whole Luke Perry thing wouldn’t really pan out.
The other night, I was out with a few friends and Tiger Beat came up. Being a self-appointed expert we started to name some of the men from these magazines, and tried to figure out who was the hottest and wondering if we would still rip their pictures out of the magazine today. Naturally I volunteered to jump down the internet rabbit hole and here are some of my favorites:
Joey Lawrence: The only reason any of us watched Blossom. Sorry Mayim, you were cute and your collection of hats was something to aspire to, but we were only watching for Joey. Every time the guy would say “Woah” I fell a little deeper. I don’t know if it is the hair, or lack of hair, but Joey doesn’t really do it for me anymore. He wouldn’t make the super secret closet collage today. You make the call for yourself. A lot of people dig the sleeveless shirt, vest, tie and cross pin look. 
Jared Leto: While he was not the only reason I watched My So Called Life, because well Angela Chase was everything. He definitely didn’t hurt. I think we all understood why she loved him so deeply. Jordan Castalano, sigh. Jared Leto is not Jordan Catalano anymore. He went down a pretty serious path, taking on some pretty deep roles. He goes all in. I kind of really dig that. So even after playing a pretty convincing Joker on Suicide Squad (pictured), Jared still goes on my wall. 
Jonathan Taylor Thomas: Or as his fans so lovingly called him, JTT, was just adorable. I was definitely more on the younger side when he caught my eye. Looking at this list now through my adult eyes, he’s definitely no longer a favorite. I mean the puppy, the puppy is adorbs. It’s not you, JTT, it’s me. So if you are asking, no, no he wouldn’t make my wall. 
Marky Mark: Well now he’s grown up, and a serious actor so I guess we need to call him Mark Whalberg. Even though I ran into him as an adult and he told me I could still call him Marky Mark- but we can discuss this later. He was my first concert as an 8 year old. Again, mom and dad if you are reading this you may have been sending the wrong signals. Whether you call him Marky Mark or just Mark, this guy still has it. Not just that he’s still Calvin Klein ad-worthy, but he’s a producer, a great actor, and is the brother of a NKOTB. Total package. 
Andrew Keegan: I will get right to it here. Andrew Keegan was adorable, and is still adorable depending on the picture you see. But did you know he now runs a religion, or if you’re being honest, a cult. He doesn’t like that word, but he is the founder of Full Circle Venice, and you can read the article HERE. Or just check out the pictures of him with his pet parrot, Krishna and circle of “community” not “followers”. 
Joshua Jackson: Joshua and I go way back. All the way to the Mighty Ducks, I would shout Quack at the screen like nobody was watching. I followed him to Dawson’s Creek where I had a mild obsession, it’s not like I am still obsessed and wrote an entire article about it HERE. But Joshua Jackson is man hot now. You can currently catch him on the Affair on Showtime to make up your own mind, but if my husband goes to my closet and moves some of my clothes around he will probably find Joshua Jackson on the wall. 
Leonardo DiCaprio: Leo. He had me when he showed up in Growing Pains. 
Then he sealed the deal when he looked at Claire Daines through the fish tank 
I feel invested in this guy. Honestly when he won the Oscar, I stood up and clapped and felt such relief like we did it together. And even though he only dates models, which is a ridiculous rule, I will still put him on my secret closet collage. Because of Romeo and his killer moves in Wolf of Wallstreet. 
Luke Perry: If we could have just met, he would have known what I always did we were MFEO (google it). I had our entire wedding planned out. He was the original reason I had a secret closet collage. I had Mrs. Perry written in all of my diaries (yes I had diaries- plural). I couldn’t chose sides in the epic Brenda Kelly triangle, because I hated both of them! I was an irrational obsessive stalker. Well Luke fell off the radar for a long time, and recently popped up on Riverdale, and I have to say he’s still got it somewhat. However it does pain me to say that I can’t put him up on my wall. There is limited space now, I’m a married woman. But you make that call for yourself. 
Johnny Depp: Johnny Depp has been on every girl’s top 5 for about 3 decades. Him and Kate Moss was something legends were made of. Even as Willy Wonka he had me, and that should be impossible for a mortal man. Willy Wonka is not a good look for anyone. But Johnny has let himself go a bit. So Johnny, this is your intervention. Go figure your shit out so I can put you back on the wall. 
Brad Pitt: I mean this needs to explanation. Remember Thelma and Louise 
I named my son after him for Brad’s sake. Well more specifically, his character in Legends of the Fall.
If we are being honest, my husband did. In fact, if my husband had a super secret closet collage, Brad Pitt would be the only one there. And if I ever found that, I would just understand, because I mean:
Scott Speedman: He perfectly portrayed Ben on Felicity. If you never saw it, trust me you have a Ben we all do. The cute guy from high school that we loved even though we shouldn’t. Whether he is the guy that kept us around “just in case” but never wanted to make it official, or made it official and then cheated, or broke up with us out of nowhere. We all had some version of Ben. And Scott Speedman was just, so dreamy. He recently appeared on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy as a potential love interest for Meredith, and Shonda if you’re listening BRING HIM BACK! – Yes still on my wall! Obviously! Hello, it’s Scott Speedman
Ryan Phillipe: I did make a promise back in 90’s Article that I would circle back around to Ryan. I most definitely had this picture
on my bulletin board. It didn’t even need to be in my secret closet collage. This scene was just epic. It kind of makes you wonder now, where did Ryan Phillipe even go? He cheated on Reese Witherspoon, and then vanished kind of. Well no matter how cute he looked driving that Jaguar Roadster
I have to say he wouldn’t be on my wall today. He hasn’t changed much, but I’m loyal. While Reese isn’t my actual friend, I’d like to think we would be friends. But we can leave that post for another day. For now, Phillipe, you’re out.
*It must be noted, that my friend (we shall leave her name out of this) read this article and is offended that Ryan Phillipe is off my wall now and cited his “MLP” as THE reason to keep him on. What is an MLP? Great question! I had the same one… Muscles Leading to Penis and then she sent me this picture:
You know what… she’s not wrong. Sorry, Reese- Ryan welcome back to the wall!
There are many many more men of Tiger Beat. But I leave you with these for now. Let me know who I absolutely missed in the comments or send me a message! Who is on your super secret closet collage?