I was sitting in my car just staring out the window, and the sound of an old Taylor Swift song snapped me out of a trance. “What just happened”. I looked at the time, and realized I had lost an hour of my day. The last thing I remember I was pulling into the parking lot and heading to Target to grab laundry detergent and paper towels. The next thing I know, I am sitting in the parking lot, a little [more] disheveled, with an AMEX alert on my phone that says $225 spent at Target. “What. Just. Happened.”
I can already hear my husband “just paper towels huh, what is this banana slicer for?” I won’t have an answer either, in the moment I just felt like I needed this tool, you know, to help slice bananas quickly. I have three kids, I need to save time where I can. This banana slicer is revolutionary, and will save me seconds of my day. Just peel the banana, put it in the slicer and BOOM! Sliced bananas. I had to have it. Oh my god! And it was only $4.99. What a bargain! He will glare back at me and ask “But where are the paper towels?” I’m staring blankly as I suddenly remember, that I didn’t even get the one thing I had gone to Target looking for. Now he is looking at me like I have lost my damn mind, and he won’t be wrong. Target has struck again.
Target, you wiley mistress. You sly temptress. You fill me with lattes, and calming music and give me this not very large, but just large enough red cart for me to fill with endless amounts of trinkets that I can somehow justify to myself within seconds of seeing that I must have.
Target, how do you do it? I feel like we should all call for an inspection of the air. Is there a special chemical that you are pumping through the vents that immediately shifts my mood and causes me to spend money like I’m a newly made rapper at a club for the first time. Because when I am there I am Making. It. Rain. Throwing money around like it don’t mean a thing. I’m a wanna-be baller, shot caller. I’m drinking champagne when I’m thirstay type of money spending.
Throw pillows, yes. New frames, obviously. Fake plants- throw that right in here. Now that I’m in this aisle, my bathroom does need a freshening up. Oh look school supplies [college savings plan be damned] they need this new pencil case and all the crayons, folders, markers, and construction paper that will fit in my cart. Which makes me wonder why Lisa Frank hasn’t made a comeback yet, but I digress. What?!?! There’s a whole Chip and Jo section! They make plates?! I could probably use new dinner plates, and napkin holders, and these place mats! Look at these candle holders? They are gold which doesn’t currently match my decor, BUT I can fix that. I can buy these gold candle holders and coordinate it with the gold frames I saw back there, and look at these little gold decorative book-ends. Wow I really love the way this all looks, what else here is gold? Ok that’s good. I’m checking out now. Oh wow but look at this wall of La Croix I need one of each please, except the Coconut (nobody likes the coconut).
I make my way to the checkout counter, avoiding eye contact with all other women who have also failed their Target objective. I mean look at that lady with all the clear bins, diapers, a lamp shade, socks, a beach bag, that gold elephant and the new Nate Berkus frames. I bet you she was here for just the diapers and probably forgot the wipes. No judgment lady. I am in the struggle.
Once the cashier finishes scanning my items, she looks right at me “Want the Red Target Card save 5% off your purchases” and each and every time I contemplate it not for the savings but to avoid the inevitable eye roll I have coming when my husband gets home. Sigh, no just ring me up. I’ve made my bed… at least I got a new throw pillow to lay on.