Surviving Weekly XIV: {6.18.18} The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon

An Ode to Dads
I want to wish all the dads out there a Happy Belated Father’s Day.  I spent the weekend with all the men in my life.  You may not know this about me but there are a LOT of men in my life.  My dad is one of 9 siblings so I am heavy in the uncle and aunt department.

One can say there is good and bad to being raised in such a big family, but in my experience it’s been mostly good.  I learned at a young age to show no weakness (for it would be exploited), to take a joke (made at my expense), and take nothing personal (even if it felt very personal).

This took time.  I didn’t wear sleeveless tops for years because an uncle made fun of me oneSunday about how skinny my arms were (God how I wish someone would tell me my arms were skinny now).  However in junior high when the boys would make fun of me for being flat chested, I was able to journey on because nothing any of those little boys said came close to the line of jokes my uncles would give me.  I was called a “pirate’s dream” for longer than I care to remember {you get it- sunken chest}.

My dad never made fun of me though, not for my appearance anyway.  He was the cool young dad that all my friends wanted to hang out with.  Like all humans he has his faults.  But if not for my dad I wouldn’t have known Tom Petty, Pearl Jam or Fleetwood.  He always made sure I was dreaming big and made sure I knew I could accomplish anything I set out for.  He had a wicked temper, but an even fiercer sense of humor.  He could make even the most serious person laugh hysterically over the course of one conversation.  I’ve always admired that most about him.  He will definitely never read this, but I thought it was the appropriate day to share just a little bit about my pops.  We always joke, that he was around too much- but I think it was just right.

Here’s a newsletter with dad-friendly content but with a little lady twist.

xx
Cristina

Someone Found a Way to Make Golf Interesting 

The Perfect Gift For Dad

The good people at Frida Baby, notorious for bringing parents the Nose Frida  and more insanely strange but THE MOST useful products- have done it again!   Frida Balls are the perfect underwear designed to keep dad’s junk protected.  Each pair of Frida Balls has a protective pouch to help dad fend off those Saturday morning bed jumps, or just the accidental swift kick to the… you get what I’m saying.

My husband is upset about this for two reasons.  First it wasn’t  around when our kids were all about eye level with his junk, which is when he could have really used a pair.  Finally because he didn’t think of this.  Genius!

I use the word interesting very loosely.  Happy Birthday Phil Mickelson, and thank you for making the US Open somewhat interesting.  For those who didn’t have the pleasure of catching any of the US Open this weekend [because you were doing literally anything else], you missed one for the books.
Phil Mickelson hit a ball while it was moving to stop it from sliding- and got a two stroke penalty {am I saying that right?} and while I am typing this I realize this isn’t that interesting at all BUT for the world of golf it was dramatic as hell watching it unfold click HERE to watch it and see Twitter do it’s thing.
Random Stuff That Happened Last Week
It’s hard to write this newsletter and ignore what is happening right now with the migrant children being separated from their families and placed in warehouses and the like.  I don’t believe politicians should use children as leverage to accomplish any purpose.  I felt helpless and heartbroken, but did find this organization called Together Rising.  You can read about itHERE to see how you can get involved or donate.

The World Cup started last Thursday.  If I’m being honest, I’ve never been very into it, but our oldest daughter is very into soccer now and we have been watching.  I have to say- I love soccer.  To be clear- it has nothing to do with the fact that some of these teams are solely made of men that are so good looking they look like Anthony Hopkins created them in Westworld (I’m talking to you Iceland).  Ok it has mostly everything to do with that- but in all seriousness it’s on every day and I’ve been loving it. For the sport! Geez- get your minds out of the gutter.

However for those who can’t keep their minds out of the gutter and day dreaming about these guys being shirtless- HERE is a link where they are ranked in order of hotness and most of them are shirtless.  Just in case you are into that sort of thing.

For those soccer parents out there, especially the soccer DADS– here’s one of my favorite writers, Dave Barry, in the Miami Herald paying a tribute to all the good work you do.  Mainly putting up the tents.  I am partially joking- but all parents can relate.  Click Here.

Jay-Z and Beyonce surprised everyone over the weekend when they released a brand new album called Everything is Love streaming exclusively on Tidal (for now).

What is Tidal? It’s Jay-Z’s answer to Spotify and Apple Music and “it’s for the artists”.   I wouldn’t run to download it, because most of the music does eventually end up on Apple of Spotify.  Also you can sign up for the 30 day free trial and catch The Carters new album now.

The 13 Best Videos of Basketball fans who “try to do it at home” CLICK HERE

For all The Office fans out there: there is an Illustrated Essay coming out by a New York Times Best Selling Author and you may want to order your copy ASAP as supplies are limited.  You can order your copy at the scrantonproject.com and you can check out the full Buzzfeed article by clicking here.

Zack Galifianakas is back with “Between two Ferns” on Funny or Die and he has Jerry Seinfeld in what has to be the most uncomfortably awkward yet hilarious interview with a surprise guest that will have you saying Okkkkkkkurrrrt
Click the image to watch the full video.

Netflix & More TV 
As we have established, time and time again, I watch too much TV.  And who better to enjoy the fruit of my labor, but you. 

Last week I mentioned The Kissing Booth (Netflix).  If you haven’t done it, please do yourself a favor and move this to the top of your list.  Well only if you love romantic comedies that are really terrible in all the best ways.  For those who did watch The Kissing Booth (some of us more than once) here’s what I have:

Set It Up: (Netflix) Lucy Lui Taye Diggs are horrible bosses and and their assistants play match maker.  It has that same terrible quality that we discussed above, but again in the best ways.  A great mindless hour and a half- LOVED It. Click HERE for trailer.

Queer Eye: (Netflix) it’s back and I’ve gotten a few messages insisting I watch the new season- and I’m so glad I did.  I haven’t seen them all, but what I have seen has made me so happy while I sit on the couch and ugly cry.  Somehow they made it better than the original.  ClickHERE for the trailer.

Is there anything I need to see? Let me know! Reply back to this email and give me the details!

Bachelor Nation- Assemble!First- Breaking news!! Ashli and Jared are engaged! I shit you not! Check it out HERE.

I’m convinced now more than ever that this is the worst season in a long time.  This is saying a lot.  Considering there was a girl that made taxidermy last season.  However we will soldier on because no one here is a quitter.  Just get on my back and I will carry us to the finish line.  From what I’ve heard Becca is happily engaged AND we must know how this plays out because right now I just don’t see it.

Read the whole recap here.

Pansexual:
of, relating to, or characterized by sexual desire or attraction that is not limited to people of a particular gender identity or sexual orientation.
In the underwater world of the seahorse, it’s the male that gets to carry the eggs and birth the babies.
“Who or what is Kanye West with no eg? Just Ye”
Let’s see what late night had for our dads!
Jimmy Kimmel tell your dad the worst thing you’ve done
Jimmy Fallon features kids describing their dad- and it’s hilarious

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Surviving Weekly XIII: Loose Lips Sink Ships

I Was Not My Best Self This Weekend

I broke one of my most sacred rules this weekend and I may never be the same.  Let me set the scene for you.  My husband and I left the kids with my parents for a sleepover Saturday night so that we could attend an event.  Freedom! Right?  Some parents get sad when they leave their kids for a night, but I am not that parent.  A night off is heaven.  So we get to the event and it’s open bar, and let me just admit out right that I may have taken advantage of it.

As the night continues, I see a girl I hadn’t seen in years.  This girl has always been very thin, and I know she had a baby boy a couple years back and now has a belly.  We greet each other very excited, and I put my hand on her belly and say “Oh my God congratulations. How far along are you?”  Her smile is gone now.  You see because she looks right at me and says “I had the baby a few weeks back.”  I’m dead.  Done. There is no recovery here.  Any acquaintance this girl and I once shared is now gone- as it should be.

Don’t say it.  I already know.  What kind of an asshole am I? Truly the worst kind.  She gave me dirty looks the rest of the night, and you know what? Get it girl! I deserve every single one of them.  I hope she told all of her friends about what a terrible human I am because that’s what I get for breaking the MOST sacred rule of being a woman.

So don’t be like Cristina- unless a woman has unequivocally told you that she is pregnant do NOT comment on her belly and most definitely do not rub it.  It’s offensiveAF.  To this woman if you ever read this- I am eternally sorry.

Since we are being honest this is also following me going out the night before and accidentally mom shaming a fellow mom.  Don’t crucify me yet! She mentioned her teenage daughter was watching  13 Reasons Why and since I haven’t stopped having nightmares since I saw the finale I really wanted her to understand how intense it is.  I wasn’t trying to shame her- it was supposed to be a warning.  But the bottle of wine my husband and I had just had at dinner probably impeded my ability to skillfully communicate that.   She definitely did not see that I was coming from a place of concern, and I clearly should not be allowed to leave my house again ever.   Probably should stop drinking too.  To this mom if you happen to read this- I am so sorry.  I was traumatized and you know what’s best for your daughter.

These two incidences do not even combine to equal out to the actual worst thing I did this weekend.  Perhaps I will share that with you another time, when I have learned to live with the shame, or you run into me when I’m out.  Since clearly I cannot shut up once I’ve had a drink or two.

xx
Cristina

Grab the Tissues

The drama department from Marjory Stoneman Douglas made a surprise appearance on the Tony’s last night singing Seasons of Love from Rent.  To say it was moving does not even begin to cover it, let’s put it this way Amy Schummer in tears at the end.  Click the image to watch.

For full coverage of what happened on the Tony’s last night click here.

Bachelor Nation- Assemble!
Oh wow! My IG story was extra long last week and it wasn’t pretty.  If we are being honest, we all have to admit out loud that the producers of The Bachelorette have gone too far this season.With the exception of a few, they stacked Becca’s deck with some of the most egregious personalities in this show’s history [and that is saying something].  They brought some of these men just for the sake of the TV GOLD they would make.  I KNOW they always do this in some way, but this is a little much.   Here are my takeaways from last week:Read the whole recap here.

Remember in College When Kids Donated Plasma…

Well good news for frat guys everywhere.  The new money is in the poop. I know what you’re thinking it sounds gross, but hear me out- because this is on the rise.

Why do I know this? Glad you asked.  I was having a less than normal conversation with my husband and his family about ways to treat a persistent [not mine] rash, when it was suggested that perhaps the person with the rash should consider a fecal transplant.  You know in case the rash is a product of the gut.  I digress.

Naturally we were all grossed out, but so intrigued.  One google search later and BOOM CHECK THIS OUT .

It’s a thing.  Science!

Things From Around the Internet
Do you remember Rebecca Black? No probably not but she is the girl from that song Friday.  Right! I also thought we would never hear from her again, but she is back! The Four is Diddy’s attempt to do a singing competition and Ms. Black came on and did a cover of N*SYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” and it’s pretty incredible.  Check it out HERE.

The International House of Pancakes, the breakfast chain that symbolizes Americana, is changing its name to “IHob.” A series of mysterious tweets by IHOP/IHOb have dropped clues about what the new name means, but expect a fuller explanation later Monday.

So there I am randomly scrolling on Instagram (no surprise there) when BOOM! Reese Witherspoon hit me with the big news.  Legally Blond 3 is coming!

                                     

For all my Felicity fans, there was a cast reunion yesterday.  That’s right Keri Russel, Scott Foley and Scott Speedman {sigh} were all together discussing how Felicity ended.  No surprise they couldn’t really remember.  Probably because it was one of the worst endings of all time (in my humble opinion), which they also agreed to.  Read the full article here– because any reason to see Ben again, right?

Kanye West dropped released a new album with Kid Cudi called Kids See Ghosts which you can catch on Spotify or Apple Music. Reviews are pretty stellar. Freeeeeeeeee.

I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you fall on, watching Donald Trump sing “God Bless America” during his “celebration of America” is highly entertaining.  Don’t believe me clickHERE.

We all know that Game of Thrones is gearing up for it’s last season.  Well don’t let that get you too sad, HBO has just ordered a pilot for a prequel series that will bring us back 1000 years before the events in Game of Thrones.  Created by Jane Goldman and George R.R. Martin whose books served as the basis for GOT.  Sounds pretty pretty amazing to me.  Here’s a picture of Jon Snow and Daenerys just because.

What to Watch
As we have established, time and time again, I watch too much TV.

The Kissing Booth: God dammit! No one in the world knows me or cares more about me watching amazingly bad TV more than the people who wrote the algorithm at Netflix.  Netflix has basically been insisting that I watch this movie.  It began to feel like Netflix would not let me watch anything else on Netflix until I watched this movie.  It’s one of those it’s really bad but somehow it’s good movies.  You wouldn’t make this recommendation at a fancy dinner party filled with fancy guests, but it’s one of those you whisper to your best friend on the down low that she has to watch stat. Here’s a glimpse of what you can expect. CLICK HERE

The Affair: Season 4 is premiering this Sunday, June 17.  Season 3 took a little turn for the weird, but I’m hoping that this season brings us back.  For those who aren’t caught up the first 2 seasons of this show are INCREDIBLE!

World Cup starts this Thursday, June 14! which I am very aware of because my daughter has been filling her sticker book for the last few weeks.

Also premiering this week: 
The Bold Type– Tuesday June 12 @ 8 PM (est) on Freeform- Look I have no defense for why I watch it but if you want to catch up it’s on Hulu
The Profit– Tuesday June 12 @ 10 PM (est) on CNBC
Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce– Final Season Thursday June 14 10 PM (est) Bravo – catch up on Netflix

Have a suggestion of something I should watch? Let me know

Roseate:1 : resembling a rose especially in color

2 : overly optimistic : viewed favorably

In the 1962 World Cup, the Chilean team ate Swiss Cheese before beating Switzerland, spaghetti before beating Italy, and drank vodka before beating the USSR.  Then they drank coffee before their match against Brazil- but lost.
This week was a little slow so here is one #throwback and a Cover Battle for anyone who needs a solid laugh.
Jimmy and Justin do their cover of Toto’s Affrica as kids at summer camp.  Yes- I Love Toto
James Corden + Shawn Mendes do an epic cover battle in the subway.

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Surviving Weekly XII: 6.4.18

Summer is Here… Again

This is the last week of school in our house, and I do not feel I am mentally prepared for what comes next.  We say this all the time, but how is time moving so fast.

When I was a kid, I vividly remember it never being summer.  I am pretty sure that the school year was 340 days and we got about 20 days to have fun on spring and summer break.  Now as an adult I feel like these kids are just always off.  It was just last summer, how is it summer again?!

Between Netflix and perpetual summer these kids have it made. In our day we had to flick through the channels and pray to find something we wanted to watch, and then gasp sit through the commercials EVERY SINGLE ONE.  Now my kids have 3 days left of school and don’t you dare let a commercial come on or shit will go down.

I’m praying for you all as school finishes and we then have all their little eyes staring at us demanding to be entertained.
xx
Cristina

Bachelor Nation- Assemble! Last week Becca K met her band of merry men that will take her on her journey to find love and her “happily ever after.”  For those who didn’t catch the season premier or my IG story, it was extra.
If I’m being brutally honest: there’s 1-3 viable candidates.  The other 12 men are definitely just for the producers to toy with.

  • Becca is not off to the best start, being that Garrett, the lucky man who got the first impression rose is being called out by the entire internet [literally the entire internet] for liking some pretty hateful stuff on Instagram.

Read the whole recap here.

Anyone Want to Hear a Scary Story 

My husband and I went to dinner with some of our best friends recently when one of them casually mentioned Roanoke.  That’s right, you read that correctly.  She casually metioned Roanoke.

Have you ever heard of the Lost Colony of Roanoke? Good because I hadn’t either.  To be clear neither had anyone in the restaurant because we asked.  So she proceeds to explain how they were the first settlers from England, and that one day they just disappeared.  No one knows what happened to them.  There was not a trace of the 90 men, 17 women, and 11 children, nor was there any sign of a struggle or battle. The only evidence they found was the word “Croatoan” carved on a board and the letters C-R-O carved on a tree.

Naturally I left this night not believing this story about some lost colony.  Surely had there been a lost colony I would have known.  Then yesterday while I was reading some news, THIS article came up in my feed.

I jumped into a serious rabbit hole on this one and Here is a short video explaining what went down “allegedly” at Roanoke.

Random Stuff That Happened Last Week

An amazing thing happened this week proving once again that anything we want is really just one good twitter trend away.  A beautiful soul named Mary (only 14 years old), very politely asked Weezer  to do a cover of Toto’s “Africa”.  And Weezer did the only thing a band can do when given such an OUT OF THIS WORLD request- they did it.  Check it out here.

Kanye West dropped his latest album, ye- and it’s genius.  Obviously.  It’s available to stream on Spotify and Apple Music.  The 7 songs on the album also happen to be the 7 most streamed songs on Spotify and Apple- imagine a world where you can have an epic Twitter meltdown and then a week later drop one of the most listened to albums ever.  America!

Carlos Santana and his wife rocked the National anthem last night for Game 2 of the NBA finals.

A 4th grader covers John Lennon’s Imagine and it has gone viral.  Catch it here.

Did you read that article I wrote about all the Teen Beat Heartthrobs and where they are now? Well you can do that right now.

Also Jennifer Lopez, Cardi B, and DJ Khlaed made a song and it’s called “Dinero”.  And I realize I will always and forever crush hard on JLo because she’s one of the only people that can grill wearing lingerie and covered in diamonds and not get burned. Click the video or right HERE to watch the full video.

Netflix & More TV 

As we have established, time and time again, I watch too much TV.
It’s why I tend to look for what has been cancelled so I don’t get too emotionally involved [I am aware what I sound like].  It’s been released here is every show on TV right now and whether it’s coming back. 

What’s on my list to watch next? Killing Eve (BBC America), The 100 (CW- shhh stop judging), and Barry (HB0).  
Have a suggestion? Let me know

13 Reasons Why: I just wanted to quickly retract my recommendation of Season 2 of this show.  I had not finished the entire season and upon further review- I cannot in good conscience suggest this show to anyone.  The last episode was very heavy and disturbing- and quite honestly gave me nightmares for a few days.  So if you do decide to watch this, please take it easy. 

Younger: Season 5 of Younger is back tomorrowJune 5 on TV Land!!! 

Riverdale: Season 2 is now on Netflix 

Mellifluous:
1: having a smooth rich flow
2filled with something (such as honey) that sweetens
Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay about farting called “A Letter to a Royal Academy About Farting.”  It dives into why different foods cause different odors and everything.
“There was a time when we completely operated without phones.  We’re addicted to our phones”
This week was a little slow so here are two #throwbacks for anyone who needs a solid laugh.
Jimmy and Justin #bff #hilarious #theycantstop
James Corden + Elton John
#thebitchisback

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Bachelorette Recaps

Week 8- Like a Virgin

Bachelor Nation- Assemble! Last week on the Bachelorette we had the hometowns and I want to tell you that this episode was super exciting and maybe the rest of the season will be incredible- but let’s be real.  Becca is so nice but a little bit of a papa sin sal (directly translating to a potato without salt).  I know you catch my drift.

Jason: I think Jason is a strong contender to be the next Bachelor.  I feel like he is a great guy with a lot going for him, and rarely does that guy get picked at the end because it would make too much sense.  Shout out to Ashley, Trista and Des for making the solid choice.  They made out on a zamboni, which I joked on my instagram story is a little lame, but somehow he pulled it off.

Blake: Another solid contender for the Bachelor.  He seems really into Becca, and has a lot going for him as far as family and career go.  He planned an incredible date, when he had some girl I have never heard of come and put on a special concert for Becca.  Apparently this is one of Becca’s favorite singers, and she knew all the words to all the songs.  I refer back to my papa sin sal comment, but what do I know maybe this singer is the next big thing.  If i have to guess I think Blake goes on to final 2.

Colton- As I mentioned already is the one who goes home, due to some minor drama with Tia.  He took Becca to the kid’s hospital where he volunteers his time to children with cystic fibrosis.  Our favorite virgin contender then took her home to meet his parents, and we found out he looks exactly like his mother.  I digress, the date also seemed to go really well but he got sent packing.  Already announced he will be on Bachelor in Paradise with gasp! Tia! Should be entertainingAF

Garrett: The guy that Becca will inevitably pick at the end.  This is just my guess people.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but something about him just gives me the creeps.  I can’t put it into words.  I think something is up with him.  The date seemed to go well enough.  While Jason had her play hockey and make out on a zamboni, and Blake planned an entire concert for her, and Colton took her to the kids hospital where he volunteers his time…. Garrett had her plant tomatoes so if this isn’t love I don’t know what is.

See you in the fantasy suits, ya’ll

Week 7- So Who is Getting  a Hometown

We’ve made it to that part of the season where Becca pretends to struggle over who she is going to pick for hometown dates.  We have 6 guys and two have to go home between Colton, Jason, Garrett, Blake, Wills, and Leo.  Here’s the quick recap:

Colton: the first one on one of the episode and the men are up in arms because Colton is carrying a secret he has yet to reveal- he is a VIRGIN.  It’s hard to believe as he is a former professional football player and so adorable, but I believe him.  Either way Becca completely over reacts.  I mean there are worse secrets a guy can drop on you, and as a friend, Becca, get it together.  You came off a littler pervy seeming so disappointed that you won’t be sleeping with him in the fantasy suite.  Colton got a rose.

Garrett: I am still convinced more than ever that he is a serial killer.  This is not because of the scandal over his social media behavior.   Mostly because he smiles in a way that makes me feel like he could just erupt at any moment.  Anyway, I digress. Garrett got a rose.

Blake: Blake was the original front runner, and he was starting to emotionally spiral because he hadn’t spent time with Becca since their first one on one (4 weeks ago).  I still think Blake is the most normal (not a high bar) and will likely win.  Their date was about as exciting as watching my girls do Rainbow Looms. Blake got a rose.

Wills/Jason/Leo: triple date.  I will note here as I did on my IG story that Wills is the by far the most stylish interesting bachelor in history.  Some of the clothes he wears transcends logic and makes you question everything- but it works. Anyway after an awkward 3 on 1 Becca ultimately choses Jason, the financial guy from Buffalo.  Womp Womp… Bachelor Nation left devastated, because Wills truly was the hero we all needed this season.

I will leave you with wise words from Chris Harrison:

See you next week!

Week 6- Becca was looking at bridal magazines and not even Chris Harrison understands why

This week’s episode brought us to Richmond, Virginia.  I have decided that the Bachelor franchise either really hates Becca, or they have spent their entire budget securing the cast of Bachelor in Paradise.  In the over 10 years I’ve seen this show, never has there ever been such a boring city selection outside of hometowns.  So what is it guys? If being in Richmond isn’t boring enough (sorry to the good people of Richmond, but you have to be able to agree that out of all the places in the world- Richmond doesn’t really make the list of the most incredible), the dates were absolutely mind numbingly terrible.

I will keep this short and sweet.

The first one on one was with Jason and she took him to a Church that is associated with Edgar Allen Poe and then to a goth ritual.  The group date took the men on a trip to a museum to meet an Abraham Lincoln impersonator, and then they had to debate to win her affection.  The last one on one date with Leo/Fabio was to go oyster shucking.  I’m telling you- truly terrible.

The “drama” of the week was Lincoln and the guy that looks like Danny Woods from NKOTB fighting (Chris).  However it had all the appeal of watching two old ladies argue for the last pack of cookies at a grocery store.

Lincoln, Danny Woods and Connor went home.

Week 5- I completely missed it

I went on vacation, recorded the episode, and definitely decided not to watch.  I assumed that nothing that surprising would happen, and whatever did I could catch up on the following week… guess what- I was right!frs

Week 3- Is anyone here still alive 

I’m convinced now more than ever that this is the worst season in a long time.  This is saying a lot.  Considering there was a girl that made taxidermy last season.  However we will soldier on because no one here is a quitter.  Just get on my back and I will carry us to the finish line.  From what I’ve heard Becca is happily engaged AND we must know how this plays out because right now I just don’t see it.

Colton – Tia Drama 

We got the scoop straight out of Tia’s mouth that she did in fact date Colton, but it didn’t work because of the distance.  When Becca asked her if she thought Colton was here hoping that Tia was the Bachelorette- Tia responded with a “possibly.”  I have to just say it- because someone has to say it.  WHO CARES! Seriously Becca, you and Tia “became friends” dating the same guy, so why all of a sudden is it a big deal that Colton dated Tia.  It’s kind of the basis for your entire friendship.  Journey on.  Colton is adorable and Tia (the girl you met 3 months ago) is not actually on the show right now for the right reasons.  I’m a hoes over bros kind of girl, but Tia is not your friend, and you have slim pickings.  You can’t afford to lose one of the only men who can make a complete sentence so soon in the game.

Jordan MUST GO!

Enough! He isn’t even good TV.  It’s actually painful to watch him.  I watch the Bachelor so that I can be mindless.  He makes me think to much.  He says things like ‘ingenuinity” and “professionality” and I have to sit up and google it and be sure that it isn’t a word, because he says it was such conviction.  Then I go down a spiral of emotions wondering how someone has made it to this point in his life without ever reading.  Now I’m sad.  It just ruins it for me.

It’s time Bachelor producers to just let the guy go.

Blake is going to win. 

Clay

Clay is a professional football player. He was so pumped because he was going on a group date to play football and he was going to be able to show Becca what it’s like in his element.  He got too into it and ended up injured! Gasp! He got the group date rose, but at the end of the episode had to leave because his hand required surgery.  He pretended (fairly well) like this was a hard decision for him.  He even made it seem for a split second like he was going to stay for “love” but then remembered he makes a LOT of money playing football and his momma was probably like “you get your ass on that plane right now and get the surgery!”  So he went home and gave the rose back.

Stay tuned for more tonight and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram where I faithfully tune into the Bachelorette each Monday and feature it on my story

Week 2:

Oh wow! My story was extra long this week and it wasn’t pretty.  If we are being honest, we all have to admit outright that the producers of The Bachelorette have gone too far this season.  With the exception of a few, they stacked Becca’s deck with some of the most outrageous personalities.  They brought some of these men just for the TV they would make.  I know they always do this in some way, but this is a little much.   Here are my takeaways from last week:

Chris Harrison is an Asshole- That’s Right I said it. 

Yo, Chris Harrison! Haven’t you put Becca through enough?

Yo Chris Harrison, while I still have your attention can you also stop rubbing Becca’s nose in that excruciating break up you made her endure on un-edited television. I would link you to a clip of it, but seriously can we stop talking about it.  Just for her sake.

For those that missed the episode, Chris Harrison, aka the producers wanted to plan Becca’s first one on one.  They chose for Becca and Blake (one of the only viable options) to go to a warehouse in the middle of nowhere.  What was in this warehouse you ask? Only all the memorabilia that exists in regards to Becca and Arie’s relationship (obviously).  They had TV’s going replaying the highlights of their relationship (including the breakup).  They even had the couch that Becca and Arie actually sat in when they broke up.  I mean, can this get any more romantic? It can! You can have Lil John from the Eastside Boyz serenading you while you do it.

If I was Blake- I’d be pretty upset.  Most people on the first one on one get to get on private planes to Vegas or another city.  Others go on boats or take really romantic car rides down the coast to a cool activity.  Blake gets to go to a warehouse filled with Becca’s ex-fiance’s face.  NOT COOL Chris Harrison.

Lincoln Needs to Go

Do we all know who Lincoln is? Well let me remind you HERE is the article where people who know him claim he poops in public areas.  As if this isn’t enough to say- why does Becca still have you around?! How about his blatant cheating in the obstacle course on the group date.  Touche to the producers for not pointing out the cheating to Becca, but do tell the other men to really stir shit up.  Naturally this leads to all the men hating Lincoln, and chaos ensues into the night time date.

After exactly 1 hour of time with Becca and just one kiss Lincoln actually said, “Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold”

I’m calling this from right now – Lincoln is not here for the right reasons.  Gasp!

The Producers are Backing Zoolander

Jordan is the male model from Crystal River, FL I believe.  You know because all major fashion models live in Crystal River, FL.  I’m sorry.  I’m not trying to be mean to the good people of Crystal River.  But I’m not wrong.

This guy also has to go and the producers won’t let her get rid of him.  My evidence you ask?  He’s quoted Zoolander more than once, but never in a funny way.  He just says things like “being a model is more than being incredibly good looking,” seriously.  If that is not enough he male model strutted through the rose ceremony in just his underwear and proceeded to tell Becca that he wished he had a small mini me version of himself to sit on his shoulder.   Yet she kept him….  they better have upped her pay for that.

The Chicken is still in the game!

Colton– is still a virgin but has quite the dating record.  On top of having dated Aly Raisman as we discussed last week he also dated Tia from Arie’s season and one of Becca’s friends.  This should be interesting and such a coincidence Tia will be on the show tonight! Forget Becca the producers are actual evil geniuses and deserve the raise.

Stay tuned for more tonight and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram where I faithfully tune into the Bachelorette each Monday and feature it on my story and promise to make it shorter this time or you can call me ingenuinity.

Week 1

Bachelor Nation- Assemble! Last week Becca K met her band of merry men that will take her on her journey to find love and her “happily ever after.”  For those who didn’t catch the season premier or my IG story, it was extra.
If I’m being brutally honest: there’s 1-3 viable candidates.  The other 12 men are definitely just for the producers to toy with.

  • Becca is not off to the best start, being that Garrett, the lucky man who got the first impression rose is being called out by the entire internet [literally the entire internet] for liking some pretty hateful stuff on Instagram.
  • There is a Male Model, yes that is what it says under his name as “career”, and he basically ruined Derek Zoolander for me.   I still can’t tell if he was trying to be funny by quoting Zoolander or is actually saying things like “being a model is more than just being incredibly good looking.”
  • There is a former professional football player who claims to have his V card ala Tim Tebow.  He also happened to date Aly Raisman.  I’m predicting he makes it far, based off the really small pool of men you can have an actual conversation with and he is a former football player so he’s obviously in good shape.
  • Kamil- so many DM’d me about this guy and his interesting “career”.  Kamil was listed as a Social Media Participant.  Does that mean he has a phone… with instagram… or just unemployed?  Did some digging and apparently he’s a former soccer player turned model who actively participates on social media.
  • There was a man dressed as a chicken that I actually love.  I typically do not like the whole dress like an animal on our first date, but something about this guy was adorable.  I’m calling it he makes it to the top 3.
  • I am also going to say that I’m picking Blake to make it to the final 2.  The man wore a red blazer, and somehow pulled it off.  This is no easy feat.

Stay tuned for more tonight and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram where I faithfully tune into the Bachelorette each Monday and feature it on my story.